I sit and stare at a screen for hours. Not like “a few hours”, but endless minutes ticking away the clock to rhythm away my eyeballs some fifteen years older than they should be.
Code. Some design. More code. I’m building the Internet, the modern age, the furthest thing from the reality I want.
Occasional remarks from various family members makes it all too clear that what I’m doing isn’t healthy. I take a break on Tuesday for mini golf with Tristan, the next break comes on Friday; pizza with my dad.
Now at nearly 2am I should be asleep, ready to make the big drive back to meet the family who gave up on my daily pursuits at catching up on work to instead spend a week in Michigan frolicking around some corn fields. But I can’t sleep. I just finished a 97 hour work week. More than I would typically choose to put in over a month.
I have it easy, I don’t bust my back digging ditches or have a boss busting my balls over whether or not I clock in at 9am sharp. I can’t complain. But I do.
I don’t need the money. The Airstream parked at my dad’s place, no bills in sight, we’re financially set for some time I suppose. But I’ve made commitments to clients, most of whom deserve to see the work we’ve been at together come to fruition on time. Still, I can’t help but think that even I am playing the fool’s game.
With the family gone, I could have ventured far and away, had a few too many drinks with long lost friends and slept in my VW Bus in their driveway or on couches. I could have explored some piece of my hometown I’ve never known before.
Instead, I’ve been building the Internet. I can’t help but think this wonderful piece of technology is lost on me. I know its ins, the outs, every curve of things like DNS and optimization from an extra character in HTML to how to configure a server to load images at just the right balance of quality and speed.
Still, all I want to do is shake hands with trees and sleep on a stump. Summer is dwindling. I’m spending it in a false reality.
One more week and I’m golden. No screens for 17 days straight. That would be an accomplishment worth accomplishing.
Everything else is just up too late and up too early, and without a single hangover to show for it all.